First name:  Not known (“…does the man actually have a first name? Yes?  No?  We don’t give a ‘monkey’s chuff ‘ actually…b’ha’haaaaa…view halloo!”))

Offspring of:  Mad Meg th’ pox’d hourie of Middlesborough and (as it states in his birth scroll under ‘Father’) “…some soldiers”

Education:  Twenty minutes behind the Sedan Chair racks round the back o’ “The Queen’s Juggs’” ale house wi’ Festering Freda the Frolicsome Fishwife’ at age 13.  Has been receiving the mercury treatment since then.   Otherwise: illiterate, innumerate, inarticulate, ineducable and insufferable.

Service:

i.  Entered service as ‘ Boy Muleteer 5^th Class’ at age 7 with Hys Majesty’s First Foote Guards

ii.  Captured by French at the Battle of Dettingen, 27^th June 1743 at 3.00pm

iii.  Returned by French (accompanied by letter of complaint) on 27^th June 1743 at 3.02 pm

iv.  Retired from active service at age 50 with the rank of ‘Pensioner Muleteer 5^th Class’

v.  Appointed as Soldier Servant to Lords William and Herbert

Clubs:  Several – all home-made including a brute of a huge ‘knobbly’ one wi’ a rusty nail through it.

Past-times:  Serving, cleaning, scrubbing, polishing, scraping, waiting at table, waiting at the gaming table, waiting at the bear-baiting and/or cock-fighting pit, procuring charming but fallen young ladies for his Lordships to save (on a regular basis), procuring very dirty young ladies for his Lordships (when the mood is upon them after they have bathed and refreshed), scab-picking (in his own time), ring-worm collecting (a fine collection by now), impetigo, maintaining the sherry/port/claret/brandy/Geneva/hock/rum & tea supply for his Lordships through certain overseas connections (to be collected at midnight from a certain secret cove on the South Coast from swarthy, rapscallion-type fellows with a sea-going ‘bent’), debt-collecting (for his Lordships – hence the importance of the ‘clubs’) and – most importantly – being able to ‘take the bullet and/or blade’ on hys Lordships’ account (rather frequently, actually).

Residences:  Rake’s House, Soho Village, London (restricted to: the attic, cellar, kitchen area, the pantry, midden, water-closets, cess-pit, the shed at the bottom of the extensive capability Brown-designed gardens and his truckle bed in the ice-house)

Mandleson is allowed in the public rooms of Rake’s House after dark and in candlelight…only if the impetigo, scabrous crusties and ringworm are in remission.

Must ALWAYS wear gloves at all times and is not allowed to touch his Lordships in any way….unless invited.

Mandleson…hys mark:  X